I’ve been thinking… (dangerous terrain… I know…)

I think I am going through some DARK, DARK times at the moment.

And there is no one else to blame but myself.

My decisions, my attitude, my way of thinking, my self-imposed rules erected in years and years of the weirdest and most uncommon life time I have yet to hear about.

Is it that I am probably succumbing to years of pressure? Am I going crazy? Am I as different and as difficult as I seem to think right now?

What would have happened if I had taken different approaches or different decisions in some adverse parts of my life… specially during the last 5 or 6 years or so…

I mean, to be very sincere right now, I wish for one instance, that I hadn’t given up working out to start working from home, or even staying at home to look after Tommy while Vic becomes the main provider for the family. I know it sounds horrible… it sounds awful… but thinking of the kind of pressure I am at the moment, and how things have turned up so far, I feel almost no sense of achievement at everything I have done. It doesn’t matter how much I achieve out there, I am not happy with what I am achieving here.

I was reading my first notes from when we first dreamed of crossedwaves.com. Things have turned out so different… so… far over the proportions I had expected… so… out of control’s reach!

I wonder if I would not be doing more of a difference out there following the original plan than if we had made things happen as they did. I am no church pastor… I never wanted to be one! Now I preside over more churches abroad than I could ever imagine doing, and there are more waiting to join us from places that I could NEVER EVER dream… And my “local church”, if you can call it that, is here and it has 12 people, half of them living in different cities, and half of them without the same compromise that I have (hell… not even my wife subscribes to it as she used to)… and I have no idea of how to change that!

Maybe that is why I feel so empty lately… Running on fumes… depressed even…

That is what I meant when I said I had reasons to give up, dig a hole and hide from the whole world.

No there is more… more painful things… more energy sucking things.

I don’t really feel inspired to do anything… I am surprised Giovanna’s Photoshoot was half decent! Some of the pictures were actually great and that is the biggest surprise.

I feel… alone… it doesn’t matter how many people might be around… or who is with me…

There is a burden only I can feel… and I don’t know how to shift it… I can’t do it. Believe me I’ve tried.

I don’t want to cry anymore… I am tired of feeling like that… But I can’t… I don’t have the energy to change right now… I am taking energy from where I don’t have to even get out of bed in the morning… and at night my head races so much I can’t get myself to sleep.

I know I am not the only one that feels like that… And I am not looking for pity… I am doing something I don’t do much… well, never to be blunt. I am opening up into words a bit of how I feel… And believe me when I say that this is only the tip of the iceberg… I AM complex… In a very simple way…

What I have wrote is not what I intended when I started… But some how I am happy I did…

I am tired of not knowing what to do…

I am tired of feeling like a pressed down spring….

I am tired of feeling useless… depressed… grumpy…

I have lived for others for so long, I don’t know who I am anymore…

I need to find myself again…

I am tired of being lost…

I am tired of being tired…

I am tired of life…

I am tired…