A Blast from the past
I wanted to be daddy cool!!!
I wanted to be always present and always ready to listen and actually engage in whatever my son is doing at the moment. To give myself entirely when I am playing with him
I try and I try it so very hard…
And I think the thing I try the hardest is not to be my dad.
Don’t take me wrong… I love him to pieces, but I can’t say he was the most present of dads. I know half of it wasn’t really his fault… he was the head of all things worship and for some time all things communications of the biggest church in Chile. Before that he was a big time Marketing men for Companies like De Millus and Xerox… after the MT, like myself he was trying to piece his life together… But in the middle of all that there seemed not to be a lot of time.
It was good in a way… I got to travel… A LOT! The bad bit was having to settle again and again wherever we went.
I have to be sincere here… I don’t remember a lot of that time of my life even though it extended for a span of 8 years of it. Psychological block or something like that… maybe that’s why I don’t remember my dad being a very present one… It is weird having that huge blanch space missing… I have memories of some good times and others I only remember of pictures I’ve seen… I have a couple of VERY bad memories… They still hurt but I am dealing with it a bit at the time… when I get tired to avoid them…
I have LOADS of scars… 
I wanna be there and I feel so impotent… so scared… when I see myself doing the same mistakes my dad did…
I’ve noticed how sensitive TB has become. I noticed that yesterday when I forgot that he was having a non uniform day (I tried to fix that by going back tho his school bringing a change of clothes for him… he was happy but I still felt guilty) and today when he lost his favorite coin… he was trying to hold the tear back and looked a bit distressed all the way to school… not even Alana was able to cheer him up… Hi simply shut himself up. My reaction was to tell him to stop crying and I would look for it when I was back.
I came back home thinking of all that… And on how I didn’t notice what’s been going on for quite some time…
I am so afraid that my son might be distancing himself from me like I did with my father…
I think that is one of the reasons (although not the only one, but I think I made that cleas already) I hate xmas so much… It brings back memories I would rather forget…
No… I can’t let that happen!!
I am sorry for throwing all that at you… I guess I needed to talk… write… to cry a lil… It actually made me feel a bit better…
I need to go back to real life.
Thanks for listening (reading)…
zya!
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