If you saw me today (well yesteday… as it is already past midnight) you would have noticed that I’ve been a bit distant… I had my mind miles away… Distant… etc etc… you get the point…

Yeah… it was one of those days…. One that started with so many great things to wait for… and I woke up smiling… Waiting for those great things to happen… I cleared up my bedroom.. opened windows to get some air in… joked about on the phone with hales… did some washing… Ad that’s when things went a bit wrong…

Tucked in the middle of the clothes I had just done I found a pair of tiny little socks… I froze where I stood…

I see my boys once a week and they come home with me twice a month… but for a dad that used to be there full time and be the first to see every single bit that developed in their tiny lives that will never be enough… Those tiny sox brought foeward to the memory everything I’ve been missing out on…

I usually try to keep them away from my thoughts for my own sanity… It hurts too much to know that they are achieving new milestones and I don’t get to see the new conquests until someone tells me.. or I see them for myself at the end of the week.

That goes in special with Lil’ One… I’ve missed his first steps without anything to hold on to last week and there are just so many first things that I know I will miss on… Seeing that little sock brought tears to my eyes…

I left everything piled up on top of my head and went to spend y day with Hales. She could see I wasn’t well from the moment she saw me… my excuse was tiredness… she told me to get back home and have a nap… I couldn’t bare to be alone at home just then… I kept myself busy with the cats, and taking J to the park so Hales could have some me time and a nap, then washed my car and kept myself busy… That helped keep the tears away…

Then I came home… and the socks were in top of the bed waiting for me… I miss his tiny feet and tiny hands…

I cried for a while…then folded the clothes… put everything away… stashed the pain in the back of my brain… and smiled to myself… Tomorrow is another day… Another week… 5 days til I have his litte hands in my hands… 5 Days til I see my Eldest’s cheeky toothless smile… And a week full of great things to wait for…

I am grateful because even though today might be all grey and rainy, the morning comes soon, and with morning comes new hope.

I am grateful for simple things… Simple pleasures that go a long way…

I am grateful for being surrounded by awesome people…

I am grateful because I can love… and because I am loved back…

I am grateful for little things that go a long way in making me cheerful again.