Do you ever imagine how it would be to drop from the face of the earth and move somewhere you don’t know anyone and start again from zero? Leave behind everyone and everything you know and find yourself with what appears to be a blanch page… ready for you to write your own story, however you want to do it.
I dropped that question on twitter a couple of times… I was actually surprised about home many people think that more often than not…
I’ve actually done it…
I left a successful career, a stable life, a relationship that had prospects to be great, my friends and family behind, hopped into a plane and did it…
That was 8 years ago.
And you know what… sometimes I wish I had enjoyed the opportunity more… Had fun, travelled, worked only to keep me going and to my next stop… I wanted to put a rucksack in my back and disappear in the world… I was planning to send post cards from here and there to important people in my life… And that is all…
Only problem is life got on the way… I met a girl, fell in love and the rest you know… and if you don’t you can find it in this blog.
That was my plan out of the window…
The problem of starting with a clean slate is that unless you lose your memory and have your memory erased all the traits of who you were deleted etc you won’t really have a crean slate will you?
You carry who you are and what has happened to you in your past for the rest of your life…. no matter how much you try to kid yourself you don’t.
I am lucky in a way… I don’t remember a huge chunk of my life and the way I was raised always meant that it was easy for me to detach from things and people and simply move on…
I was talking to someone yesterday that told me that when you really love someone you don’t move on… At least not for a long time… Well… that’s not me… In order to protect myself from pain I have this state that simply pushes any emotion out of the way and replaces it with logic… It hurts like hell for a while but then I move on… start with “whipped”slate.
Then one day it just clicks… And life goes on…
A huge part of me wishes I could disappear again… But I’ve gone too far (and too old… and well…there are 3 kiddos that are my world) to run away.
And unlike 8 years ago there are more than enough good things going in my life on that are enough to make up for the shitty ones.
Simple things make me happy… 
What keeps YOU from running???
Good post…and as I said very thought provoking.I have often wished that I could do what you did only I couldnt simply because no matter how bad things get I would always think of the people I left behind.the people I would hurt on the way through.
But thats just me.
Agreed you had a unique upbringing but one thing I am learning is you cant always be the sum of your past,no matter how bad it was you have to find a way to change and move beyond it. to ‘click and then move on with a wiped slate’on the one hand can be seen to be positive (but only for you)for everyone else it could seem very cold almost like using people and then spitting them out and moving on when you have finished.
Not judging you at all merely stating as your friend….cus friends always tell the truth right?
Thanks hun… you managed to capture part of what I wanted to say.
I spent my whole life living for other people and working to be over their expectations.
I ran to learn to do it for myself… people would hurt, but I would too.
If I were a sum of what my past is I would be a VERY different person than what I am today…
As to being cold… that is the part you got it wrong. As I said… it hurts like hell… And I don’t usually move on… but when I need to, in order to protect my own sanity it will happen… It will only happen if the person hurt me enough to make the logic bit of me taking over… And that takes a LONG time
I know you are not judging hunny… and I respect your opinion. If I didn’t I wouldn’t leave it open for comments.
Simples : I would only be running away from myself and no matter how far I went and how many connections I severed, I would still be there. There is no escape for me so there is no point in running
Very good argument for not running… and you are absolutely right… when I ran I hit a huge wall called myself too… Although sometimes I feel the urge to simply disappear I can say for sure that is enough encouragement to erase it from my list of urges as quickly as it comes…
I think clean slates are not really possible, under normal, neurologically-intact circumstances. Or without sociopathy.
You have at least 2 & 11/12 reasons to be glad your slate isn’t clean. You wouldn’t be you w/out your chalk marks.
Hehehe… You are absolutely right! I am happy my slate will never be clean…just gotta live with what life throws me.