Dear JellyTot

Just four weeks until you are here and I can finally cradle you in my arms and look at your little face… hold your tiny hands… and if I know myself, cry like a girl when it finally sinks in that you are here and I am holding you.

I feel a bit unprepared… I was there throughout the pregnancy and birth of 2 of your brothers… I felt just the same with them even though I read once and twice every single book on the subject. With your Bigger Brother I thought I was going to be the worst dad ever… I didn’t even like kids before I found out he was on the way… That of course changed like water to wine when he finally popped out (literally) on the way to daddy’s best friend’s Birthday BBQ. I was there… And I was ready for anything… And have been there every since… at least as much as I can.

With A I thought I was a bit more prepared… I read the books again just in case, spoke to him every day over the belly as I did with TB, did the pre-natal class to refresh and was even the 1st to hold him as he came out… Hell if it wasn’t for 4 minutes I would have had to deliver him myself according to the Midwife… And I thought I’d be totally capable of doing it. Although I thought I had forgotten every little thing I was surprised to see how easy it came back to me.

I haven’t been able to be so present all the while you are in there growing and getting ready to come out, not by my own choice mind you… But I remember every second of the two scans I sat through looking at you moving and waving… listening to your heartbeat. I remember when your mum told me over the phone that you are a boy… I was shocked at first as I thought and was really happy with the possibility of you being a little girl… but then news settled and I was just as happy if not happier that you are a healthy little boy.

Things have not been easy from them on… Me and your mummy going our separate ways hasn’t made things any easier as well as I now have  limited access to news about you. Other reason why I can’t wait to have you is that I will finally be able to “be your dad” when you are out. I haven’t had a chance to be there as much as I wanted so far but you can be sure that I will always be there from the moment you see me. nothing or no one will get on my way to be right there for you and I am simply stopping at nothing to make sure of it.

I wonder sometimes where things went wrong  and I really can’t find a solution to that question.

But life goes on my son, and don’t let anyone tell you the contrary. Change is the only thing that will always be a constant in life and we need it to be able to develop. Don’t stop to “think about the spilled milk”. Live life as best as you can and do not regret making mistakes. At the end of it you will regret more the things you never took a chance at than the ones you did. Many of them will be wrong choices, but wonderful things can come from such decisions too. You are living proof of that.

And other thing… People will talk… always… but my grandma used to say something that I still keep with me as a major rule: Listen to it all, if it serves you keep it… if it doesn’t bin it. In the end what matters are the decisions you take in life and no matter what they are, I need you to know one thing: I will always be there for you. I can’t promise I will support and/or approve  every single one of them… But one thing is for sure, I will be right there behind you til the day that I die.

Just four weeks til you are out here with us… I know it’s just a few days but it feels like an eternity when you’ve been counting the seconds like I have been doing. We are all waiting for you out here and can barely wait for D Day.

One last thing… it is a simple one that people tend to not give to much importance nowadays… A phrase that seems to be thrown to the winds way too much for people that don’t really mean it… A feeling that is the best you will ever feel but at the same time the most painful: I LOVE YOU MY SON. Always have from the moment you found out you were on board and I will to the moment I close my eyes for the last time.

Don’t forget it…

Daddy