Once upon a time I dreamed of a place where dreams came true. Not by the sheer power of wishful thinking or by any means of magic, but by the combined strength and dedication of a few very creative minds.

I dreamed of a place where people could meet up to talk about all and nothing, a place where like minded people could plot and put projects on the road: films, theatre, photography, you name it. A HUB where creative people could meet. A place where people would also learn new skills… New ways to be creative.

I wanted this place to be a hub for these like-minded people. It was once an Underground Hub, and then it became the Metanoia Café some place else.

When I envisioned the Metanoia Cafe that is what I had in mind: A place where people would get together for some coffee and bring about some “transformation of the mind”. Freedom of expression would be common place.

But that was in a perfect world that existed only in my mind. Reality as it seems had other plans..

This dream is now shattered into pieces. There were 200 million reasons and blames to be placed: The venue and it’s administration’s fail to attract people to the complex (or even their willingness to doing such thing, as they constantly blamed the shop keepers for not doing enough… pardon me… that was their job… we did our part to try and raise awareness to ourselves… Unfortunately not a lot of people knew where or what was the Merton Abbey Mills as we found out later), The stall vendors taking away our target public offering the same things we were selling  (I blame that on the Abbey Mills admin as well…), I could blame the changes we HAD to go through to continue open as partnerships had to be broken because of the financial crisis… Ah! I could blame the crisis!!!

That would also mean I would have to blame myself for choosing the venue in the first place. I would also have to blame myself for veering out of the plan that was traced in the beginning, and for not being able to adapt accordingly… for failing in finding time to take forward the meet ups and other projects we had… For failing to motivate myself and allow for depression to set in.

At some point my dream became a burden.

Now as I stand here at the doors of the Metanoia Café feeling my heart all tight and hurting I know it is not over… but just beginning.

I always try to look in the bright side of things. To find something positive in the midst of the negative. Cause and effect. I am struggling to find my footing in that one.

I know what I want to do with my newfound freedom. I know where I want to get with it… I just have no idea how I’m going to get there… Or even how to give my first steps… again…

My family is about to grow again… and with the arrival of the new baby my responsibilities also grow. I know it is a short deadline, but I have 2 months to make things happen… to at least give us some breathing space.

I am not going to lie to you… I am scarred.

My self-confidence and self-worth took a bit bashing in the past couple of months… I am also trying to take strength from where I don’t have it… I am running on fumes… But somehow I know I’ll get there in the end…

I am not one to give up…

I’ll start again… from the begining… and this time try and not to comit to the same mistakes again… I am only human and prone to mistakes… continually insisting in the same mistakes is being stupid!

Well… stay tuned here for the next instalment of the soap opera that it is my life…

1am… gotta go bed!

zya!!!