Do you love watching food shows, but get sick of foul-mouthed chefs, preaching cookery upstarts and dull-as-dishwater Ready, Steady, Cook clones doing all the work in the kitchen? If your answer is yes, then like us, you probably adore Nigella Lawson. Her ludicrously indulgent style, often dubbed “cookery porn”, is as tantalising as one of her very own yummy double-choc brownies. In the spirit of all things decadent, DS has come up with our very own Nigella drinking game. Just remember, don’t drink too much and mention her bottom!

1. When Nigella manages to turn an ordinary food process (using a blender, cutting pastry) or ingredient (brussel sprouts, figs) into a sexual innuendo, down a shot.

2. Crack into the red wine each time Nigella comes out in full make-up and a revealing nightie for a “late-night fridge raid”.

3. Each time Nigella tells us that she’s “busy, busy, busy” and just like us plebs, have two fingers of lager.

4. If she proves it by working hard in the kitchen, getting on double decker buses around Chelsea and helping her children with their homework, have two more fingers.

5. Every time a cameraman lingers a little longer than he should on Nigella’s curves, cleavage or suggestive hand rubbing over her rolling pin, polish off a pint.

6. Down a hefty amount of vodka each time you witness a dinner party of “Nigella’s friends” quaffing her sweet treats, booze and guffawing inanely in the background.

7. Each time she seductively sucks some cream/custard/general goo from her fingertips, help yourself to a hefty double spirit.

8. If at any point you think her descriptions of “plumptious” cranberries, “juicy, shapely” pears or “lovely and firm” meringues may have a second meaning, down a shot. We reckon she’s talking about her nipples.

9. When the blokes that live under her stairs with the cameras “catch her” having a fumble in the pantry, knock back some brandy. “Ooh, you caught me”" she coos, while suggestively licking some sticky syrup off a ripe banana.

10. If she manages to rustle up some “plump” steak, “scrumptious” Eton mess, “a festoon” of fruits and “gooey glugs” of hot chocolate sauce all in 15 minutes while still managing to dressed and dolled up in time for one of her dinner parties, polish off all your remaining drinks.

Head is pounding… am bored to tears and have loads to do / loads to pay…. so catch ya later with a REAL blog post…

zya!