Did you ever watch the movie How to Lose Friends and Alienate people? Well, I didn’t but if the title has to do anything with what the movie is about, I think they might have based the movie on me!
It wasn’t always like that tho… I used to be a people’s person. I used to have more acquaintances a than I could remember names and more friends than I could probably name.
Yes I did have a very closed circle of REAL friends, and some of them are still my friends today. Maybe not as close as they were before, but still when we speak it is as if time had not passed at all…
I think I miss having friend around me. I have somehow managed to alienate most of them for the past 2 years or so. I Haven’t spoken to some people that were like brothers or sisters to me for long long periods of time, I have shut most of them outside the loop of my life. Mind you, I have sort of alienated my brother and sister as well…
I think I’ve stopped believing in people… I actually think I’ve stopped believing in myself and as a consequence I began to think people stopped believing in me. I surprise myself every time someone comes to me for council… I surprise myself when people that are supposed to be leaders of a group of people come to me for counsel…
Last Saturday was my Birthday and it took no one showing up to the party for me to start thinking… Well not really no one… my family did go and Marcio came along too. But I had a list of about 80 people invited (Well… most I already knew they wouldn’t be able to come for one reason or other, like sime were going to be abroad on the day… ). The thing that really hit home was the fact that the people I was sure would come, didn’t come at all.
All and everyone had their reasons and I am not disputing that. I am actually not writing this post to incriminate any or them or make them guilty of anything…
This post is about me (kinda cliché uh… “It is not about you, is about me” … LOL! ).
There is a reason I feel alone most of the time… Intentionally or not, I’ve MADE MYSELF AN HERMITE!
At some point in time I cut off all relationships but my family and a few people I am still in contact with once here or there. And mind you, not even they know most of what’s going on in my life… how I feel… Hell know… God forbid they actually know some of the things that I feel… I have not come into terms with them… I won’t… I will keep on fighting.
The worst thing is that you have no idea how easy it is to drop off everyone’s radar.
I gotta change that… I used to have friends everywhere, that so far as a know considered me a good friend… Once upon a time I would die for my friends… Right now, deep inside I couldn’t care less…
And that hurts because is so unlike me. It goes against my nature…
I care… too much…
I need to get off at he next station so I’ll also end this post before I make a book out of it.
But I’ll leave a question: How on earth do I gat back to who I used to be??? Have a I forgotten who I am???
What would you do???
Zya…
